Self-doubt is a tricky one, it pretends to be your friend at first. Beware! It creeps in slowly. It started out telling me, "You have so much going on, with the kids, you just don't have time to write." Sound innocent. But then it leads to, you just don't have what it takes to manage it all...you just don't have what it takes. I was having self-doubt rock my confidence. I knew inside though, that this really wasn't real. I waited it out. I allowed the blah feelings to surface, on and off, for at least a week. It was no fun at times, but I knew it was what was no longer served me, coming up to let it go. You see, I have changed the way I think, but in the past, self-doubt was the voice I always heard in my head. So I recognized it, trying to trick me with it's...what makes you so special? What makes you think you can succeed? How can you make your dreams come true? Be realistic. You can't have a toned body, you have four kids. You are not smart enough. All this stuff I use to believe about myself, secretly. It was almost comical, to see the thoughts come up. I was thinking, where in the hell did that come from? And of course,with the Law of Attraction, because I was doubting myself, I would draw conversations, where I felt like I had to explain myself. It was exhausting. I wanted to call my Mom, sister, or friends to look for validation. In the past, I would have asked for help, but then I would have not really gotten to the other side of this. I share this with you, because I always learn so much from others' life experiences.
And WOW, do I love being back to me. Where I can totally see this in Oprah's magazine, I could see myself being a featured columnist/blogger. I dream big, I believe that anything is possible for me. I believe in myself and that is really all that matters to me. Others do not have to believe in me, understand me, validate me. It is not their job. And when I allow myself to be defined by others, when they like me, or agree with me, I am high up on the roller coaster. When they don't agree, or like me, I am at the bottom. That is a crazy way to live. I do not choose that anymore. What I learned from this latest lesson, is that when self-doubt tricks you, hold tight, it's okay. You are not eternally flawed or broken. Choose to just hold on and trust.
I had an "I Don't Knowism" sitch going on. I had a case of "Little-old-me syndrome" and a bout of "Not Enoughness." I felt like I was on the hamster wheel and my mind was racing. With all this stirred up, I had to think about everything I believe, know, feel, have done. It was a big letting go of energy and now there is a newness. Whew! When you are aware and observe yourself and your thoughts, miracles can really happen. You can always change how you think. But like what happened to me, hiccups along the way, help move you along. When you are getting in shape physically, you don't expect to have six-pack abs in one day, so be easy on yourself. You can consciously make changes on how you think, but subconsciously you have lots of crappy thinking from the past in there. Good new is that repetition causes changes to the conscious, so keep going, affirmations, telling a new story of your life, positive thinking, appreciating your life, and feeling good. You reprogram yourself, you work out the kinks, with your vibration on continual basis. Law of attraction in action. People may think it's easy for me, I make it look easy sometimes. I was good at faking how I really felt and thought. I was that happy face behind the pain type gal. Now I am I the happy face behind the happy. Just ask my kids. I annoy the crap out of my teenage daughter, which I will admit is funny. I choose happy. I had enough of feeling bad, this is way more fun. Being authentic and true to myself, I am sharing what a beautiful thing my hiccup was.
I Don't Knowism: I had this feeling that I could not shake. It was self-doubt making me think that I didn't know anything. That I didn't know how to do anything. This can feel like you are lost. You are not, you are on your path, and you get to choose your direction. You are not struck, if you don't label it as that. I momentarily thought that I had not made an progress in the past year, which I knew was not true. It is not about the physical stuff, as much as the foundation, that I have built inside of me. What I knew was I am happier than I was last year, clearer in my knowing, and more confident than ever. I had already learned that when I confront old feelings, or insecurities, whatever the negative is...that I am so much freer and feel so much more expansive afterwards. I don't avoid how I feel, or else I can't change it. I just sat with the feeling and trusted my inner knowing. It is okay to not have all the answers. I did ask myself, "What do I know?" "Who am I?" "What do I want?" I asked my higher self and waited for the wisdom and insight to come. And now that I am back in the feeling good business, all the wisdom and insights came flooding to me. Oh yeah! I know I am a ROCKSTAR of my life! I have all the knowing inside of me. We all do.
Little-old-me syndrome: Lil' old me is ordinary, mediocre, and the nothing is special about me, thinking. Look at everyone else, they are amazing and me, not so much. I felt like I was in competition with everyone. I realized that when you are feeling the low vibe, you feel lack, and you are in competition, comparing yourself to others. Self doubt was telling me that Little-old-me can't be a successful writer, get in better shape, give inspirational talks, keep making my Jennylicious happy raps, and achieve all that I dream and desire. Well, watch me, self-doubt! You do not have to believe in me, you never did. You were the one who egged me on in making bad choices in the past, making me believe that I was little-old-me. But you know what, I am so glad you did, because it makes getting here, to this fabulous place, even more delicious. I felt that fleeting temptation to go back to playing small, but self-doubt, I hate to tell you, the train has left the station. I can't go back. Thank God! So when others did not think I was the greatest thing, since sliced bread, you would tell me "they are idiots, what do they know?" But really, you loved it. You loved me playing small, being little-old-me, where you could be in charge. You can't trick me though, I am confident now, to the core. When I was having a bout of self-doubt, I affirmed: I am confident in all areas of my life. Cause sometimes you gotta fake it, til you make it, til' you get over the hump. And you will get there.
Not Enoughness: This part is my least favorite and it's the biggie for me. It stirs the pot the most, it's what led me to an eating disorder in my teens, to try to be thin enough. It had worthiness and self-esteem issues coming up. This turned out to be such a gem, of a lesson for me. I was already feeling like I did not have the answers I thought I did, my whole energy internally was little-old-me, and not thinking I was good enough was so uncomfortable and foreign to me nowadays. I refused to really, truly, believe this drama, but it was pretty wild. I had this life review thing going on, thinking about the past, which really reminded me that I am a totally different person now. Even in a bad moment, I don't hate myself. Self-doubt told me that I sucked at parenting, cleaning, organizing, writing, being me, life, and whatever else it could bring up. I tried to think why I was enough. I decided that wasn't going to work at that moment. I just had to say: I am enough. The fog was clearing and clarity was like a bright blue sky, after a storm. The truth is none of it mattered whether I was good at anything, it is how I felt about myself. And that determines everything for me. It doesn't matter whether others think I am good enough at whatever, if I don't. Also, if others don't think I am good enough, it doesn't matter either. I run my own own show, it's about me living my life. They can live theirs. It's perfect. And I know that I am more than good enough, I'm me. And I am success at me. Everything else, really is the icing on the cake. So enough is enough, I love myself even more now. I love being me. And in me, being real, sharing what I learn, I am hoping others benefit too. My wish is for all to feel as good as I do, confident and sure. Always onward and upward. Holla if you're with me. Whoot! Whoot! ;)