Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Silly Pickle Dilly

This morning, I was getting stuff ready to make breakfast for my lil' guys.  I was talking to my hubby, who has been working CRAZY hours, so I feel like I haven't seen him in a week.  The fridge was open and my youngest, two year old Seamus, loves to grab anything he can, especially things on the shelves of the fridge door.  He twisted pickle jar lid off, spilling pickle juice everywhere.  I was so annoyed, all this frustration came out of nowhere and I started saying all this silly victim crap.  Stay at home mom, BS thinking, I was really good at, years ago.  Interesting reaction.  Kind of like, yelling over spilled pickle juice, is the new crying over spilled milk.  I let myself feel overwhelmed with trying to do EVERYTHING.  My mind was racing.  It's not even about getting everything done even, it's prioritizing what is important.  Everyday I have to feed the kids, do laundry, dishes, pick up from activities, etc. I don't have to clean up the toys clean every night, but I do because I like that way.  Not that I am neat freak,  I have no time to be a neat freak.  I try to fit in exercise at some point, most days.  I meditate when my youngest two are sleeping, except last night, I was too burnt out.  But I did get some writing done yesterday.  It is always my goal to exercise, write, and mediate, so days like that I love.  Because I follow the Law of Attraction and like to feel good, after two minutes, and I was clear and back to feeling grateful he has a job. 

I changed my focus, and thought about all of things, in this past week that I really appreciated.  Every time Seamus yelled out to Finnegan, pronouncing it as, "Cinnamon."  It never gets old.  And he says, "I lud de too," for I love you too.  The time I was in the car with my Mom, and she she thought the song, "G6," they were saying, "Like a cheesesteak, high like a cheesesteak."  Cheese stick sounds more like it though.  And how Seamus pronounces her name, Gibby, as Buddy.  The other day, Finnegan, who is five told me that Seamus's breath was chaotic.  He proceeded to tell me lots of things were chaotic that day, even a giraffe, that he once saw at the zoo.  I asked if he knew what it meant and he said no.  That I have two new TV shows that I love.  I love to watch TV, or read a book, at night after the kids are asleep.  It's my "me" time.  On Long Island Medium, the lady is adorable, and she's the real deal.  And the show, Smash, where the cast is amazing talented.  The one guy, who plays the director, is such a hottie too.  As I really thought about how much I love in life, I looked out the window to abundant sunshine, and saw a vibrant blue sky.  That is my natural state, happy.

Hours later, I was feeling that a friend of mine didn't think I was important.  Which really had nothing to do with her.  My feelings got hurt and I looked at the energy of it.  I did not want to be upset, peace is what I like to feel, with everyone.  WOW, lots of my fiery tiger feelings was coming up.  I knew there was a juicy piece for me to learn.  So I thought about all the friends that are important to me, even if I don't call them.  I haven't returned one of my best friend's phone calls from the other day, not because she is not important, but I am busy.  I released the feelings and underneath, I felt my truth.  How am I not making myself important?  Where am I not making myself important?  How am I not making what I say, do, or write important?  Times when I felt invisible came up.  Do I not value myself?  Hmm....I got the message from a energy worker that I needed to do this, making myself a priority.  I thought I was.  But I think the balance thing is so different for everyone. For instance, I have to clean up the toys every night, but don't mind if the laundry sits in a basket unfolded for a day.  I am not trying to be Super woman, but maybe I was, in some ways.  I was thinking, how can I make my writing more important.  It is easy to write when my hubby is off.  I know Danielle Steele, who has seven kids, wrote at night when her kids were little.  That is not going to work for me right now.  My brain doesn't work as well the, it requires meditation, TV, and a glass of wine.  I really was so glad these feelings came up.

I didn't need to figure out how I am going to put myself more on the radar.  Or how I am going to find more writing time?  It was about realizing that in some ways, that I did not value myself.  There is the part that doesn't really value what I write or say.  I thought about times, that as a stay at home mom, that I didn't feel valued or important for what I did too.  There is came again.  Mixed with "I am worthy" stuff.  What is my worth?  My sassy spiritual sexpot side decided to chime in saying, "I am a friggin' ROCKSTAR!"  Of course I am important, valueable, and worthy.  Look at me!  I am fabulous!  I am wise, fun, creative, talented, and radiate love.  I have so much to bring to this world, by shining my Light, who I really am.  So release those self-esteem issues and step further into yourself.  Don't worry about whether you are a good enough mother, writer, friend, wife, whatever!  DUH, you are!  Having awareness and releasing limiting beliefs frees you.  And soon, you will have someone clean your house, so you can have a clean house and write.  YES!  That will be awesome!  I love you! And you don't have to be super woman, but you can be Wonder Woman.  LOL!"  Yes, this was me talking to myself. Come on, we all do it. 

Always remember your value and how important you are.  Balance in your life is not the same for everyone.  You make it work for your life.  For me, I know that I have to write, it is in my soul.  If I didn't, I would not feel fulfilled.  And also, when emotions come up, look within and see what it is.  Then release it and move on to what you want.  Be easy on yourself.  It's OK to need more "me" time than someone else. Or not like to have as much on your plate as someone else.  We're all different.  Another thing, when you think you have already learned a lesson, and it rears its ugly head again, don't be hard on yourself.  It's like the peeling the layers of the onions.  It's all good.  Trust that.  Being a positive person doesn't mean you never have negative moment, it's that you choose to not stay there.  And ALWAYS Love yourself.  I share my feelings, being authentic and open, so maybe someone will get some insight into their own life or they will learn something.  Being yourself doesn't have to make you be vulnerable, it make make set you free.  Namaste, Lovies, Shanti, Blessings, & all yummy delicious stuff to all of you!  

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Labels are for fables

I got to thinking about labels.  And not the cute ones, like the C's on the Coach or Chanel bags.  But sometimes, we wear labels like that, on our emotional sleeves, without even knowing it.  In the fables, there are good guys, bad guys, damsels in distress, and one-dimensional characters.  We are much more than that.  So when we label ourselves, we limit ourselves.  Why do that?  We are always changing, growing, and learning.  Sometimes people in our lives don't like when we change, even though it's inevitable.  Everyone likes to keep us labeled in their minds.  It's how we understand the world.  And when we don't understand people, we still label them, maybe as crazy.    What if we let go of labels and limitations we place on others and ourselves?  As I watch my children grow and constantly change, it challenges me to let go of who I thought they were, from one year to the next.  They are finding themselves, as am I, as are we all.  It is a beautiful dance we do together and it's always evolving.   

Here's the story of me ending an argument with my teenage daughter, which is really funny on how she was labeling me.

"Nothing matters before this moment,"  I say, wanting to move on.

"Do you even here yourself?  You sound like a 1-800 number, for a psychic hotline.  Nothing matters before this moment," she said in a soft voice, poking fun at me. 

I bursted out laughing. 

"You're drinking the Kool-aid,"  she said.

"I'm not drinking anybodies Kool-aid."  I said.

"You're making the Kool-aid,"  she said.  I was still laughing and we had easily ended the argument.

No worries, I am not starting a cult.  I want my kids to be free to think what they want and find their truth for themselves.  Plus, teenagers are usually think there parents are weird, right?  She teases me, but I don't mind, because we joke with each other all the time.  I keep evolving how I parent and especially how I deal with conflict and problems.  Damn those Moms, for being like a real actual person, and changing sometimes.  LOL!  And I will keep changing until the day I die.  And as a parent, I can't label my kids as the smart one, or helpful one, or difficult one, even though it may seem like that.  When we label them, we limit who they can be.     

Do you ever find yourself saying this like:
I am not a great athlete so I am couldn't do...
I am not a good writer, so I can't...
I've never been patient so...
I'm not a nature person so...
I don't like to try new things so...
You may say these things in your head. but you see, everyday, you get a brand new chance to become a painter, because you have secretly always wanted to.  Take a music lesson or whatever you have a little whisper in you heart is saying.  Step out of your box and try something new. 

Think about all the fun and possibilities, we miss out on, when we limit who we are.  Luckily in this day and age, you can redefine yourself, as much as you want.  If you got divorced, even into the last century, you were therefore labeled in a negative way.  Look at how far we have come.  Being out as a gay person was unheard of in the past.  Now, there are new laws everyday that support civil rights for all.  The world is so connected now by technology, especially the internet, that people from all over globe are getting to see past the labels, of where we come from.  Labeling people by what country they live in seems so silly, since in the US, we are so diverse.  I love to meet people different cultures, backgrounds because it's fascinating to hear people's stories.  It expands my mind and I learn from every interaction.  If I label them, closing myself off to them, what could I be missing out on?  

Still, some may label or categorize us, even in our families.  That's OK.  We never have to take on someone's label of us.  We are free to be.  On a funny note, labels can come in handy, like on spice jars.  I was making popcorn for my kids and grabbed cinnamon, instead of smoked paprika, when I had already added garlic powder and turmeric.  I asked my older two to guess the secret ingredient and they guessed right, but they ate it anyway.  It actually tasted good.  Who knew?

Friday, March 9, 2012

Ladies of love, light, & life!

I attended the eWomenNetwork conference in Atlantic City this week.  CRAZY CUPCAKES!  I was so intimidated at first.  I was going to see Lisa Nichols, the best-selling author who was featured in the book, the Secret.  My lovely mother had gotten us tickets.  I didn't know what to expect, but I got up early and dressed in my sassy sans-kids way, feeling very confident.  When I walked in, you could just feel the power of these women.  It was a buzz, a confidence, and a truly feminine-loving nature flowing around.  We heard lots of amazing women speak, each one giving me a piece of my puzzle, and confirming what was in my heart.  In the past, smart, successful, powerful women really intimidated me.  I felt that they were better than me.  I cowered inside, next to their confidence.  The women at this conference welcomed you, with open arms, to share what they know.

As we were asked to share about ourselves, handing out our business cards, I handed out scraps of paper with my name, number, blog, and facebook page on it.  Hey, you gotta start somewhere.  Every women I met was helpful, supportive, and inspiring.  I am still processing all that I heard and experienced that day.  If I wrote everything about day, it would be a small book.  I really wish I could impart what learned to everyone, because I really can't do it justice with words, but it was beyond transformational.  One of the most important things that I want to share is it got me to ask myself more questions and reminded me that I am a ROCKSTAR, as we all are.  Don't ever stop believing that!

Having to tell people about myself made me ask, who am I and what do I do?  It made me have to adjust and relax my energy into this, which help me build confidence.  I am a mother of four. I blog, write fiction, and am still cultivating just exactly what other awesomeness that I am going to do.  It was about me telling them what I plan on doing, not showing them until I start making it into a business or making money at it.  I know, in my bones, that I am going to be a successful writer, speaker, and more.  Writing that, is so much easier than telling a stranger...until now.  It made me stretch out of my comfort zone.  With each person that I spoke with, was first blown away that I have four kids, like it was twenty-five of them, and believed in me right away, that this was going to happen for me.  Many real soul connections were made, as each person really was a teacher and student, to each other.  I had to ask myself some hard, personal questions too.  Was I caring about what others thought, therefore stopping my own mojo?  Was I using my time wisely, sweating over things that don't matter?  Was I focusing on what I wanted?  Was I afraid to succeed?  What was my energy like, when people meet me (confident, open, loving, fun), I hope?  Do I feel stuck in any way?  What do I see for myself in the future?  What steps can I take towards that?  What are my intentions?  So many more, I am sure, but the idea is always to examine where you are at.  From a loving place within yourself, ask yourself questions.  And if you need assistance, ask and be open to receive what you need.

There were many laughs and stories shared by the speakers and by each lovely lady that I met.  I took many things, as signs from the Universe, confirming that I am right on track.  The message echoed throughout was, that there is no competition, we are all unique and a true gift to this world.  Keep dreaming big.  You can do it!  I thank all those women who were cheering myself and everyone on.  Marilyn Kleinberg was the organizer and I just love her personality, it's fun and refreshing.  I told her that what I loved about the eWomenNetwork Conference is that it was a great mix of business and spiritual energy.  Sandra Yancey, the founder of eWomenNetwork is so beautiful and inspiring. She spoke of being a mother and entrepreneur. She told her story about starting her business, empowering us all that we can achieve epic success.  Lisa Nichols spoke of having this dream in her belly, that if we have to give birth too, even if no one understands.  I felt like she was speaking to me and me alone.  She read my heart.  She exudes love.  If you ever get the chance to see her speak, be prepared to feel a real presence of magic.  It wasn't just a talk that she gave, but rather an experience, that I had.  I felt emotion well up in my heart, as I teared up. 

Even though, I don't know the how's yet, it confirmed deep-down in my soul that I am meant to do that.  I want to give talks like that.  Speaking so that I may uplift, inspire, empower, and cheer on other people.  I want to be an example to others, to teach them what I have learned.  I can see it now.  I will hand out glitter pom-poms at the door, not to cheer me on, but for them to cheer themselves on.  I will step up on that stage and we will have a blast, it will be so fun.  I will let my Light shine, leading the way, for those who forgot how awesome they are.  I will say, "Here is the way, here is a path, that may be less traveled but you will be so happy you took it.  Maybe you have never seen anyone do what you want to do, but maybe that's cause you are a badass pioneer, a rebel maverick, a sparkly firework, on the edge of glory, rockin' on that leading edge."  And I will end with:  "You are amazing, always remember that.  Stand up and cheer for yourselves, ROCKSTARS!  Rock & shine, like the brilliant diamond you are. I love you ALL!"  I will be up selling my novels and my fun-and-deep, Jennylicious guide to life, and my products too.  Dream big, while totally loving life today.  xoxo

And Mommy, thank you being the greatest teacher of my life and my biggest supporter.  One day, I think I'll be writing a book about you.  I'd also like to thank the women that I happen to have their names.  The rest of you, thank you, in spirit.  And to the people reading this, I send you a big, sparkly, cyber hug!  Thank you for reading.  Please feel free to share.

Marilyn Kleinberg-www.ewomennetwork.com/chapter/snj
Sandra Yancey-www.new.ewomennetwork.com/ 
Lisa Nichols-lisanichols.com
Kathleen Cashman-www.cashmanconsultingllc.com
Janet Garraty-www.gojanenews.com
Lisa Monahan-www.bridgingenergies.com
Cristi Cook-www.abetterbalancedyou.com
Sabrina Smith-www.ericksplace.org
Sylvia Henderson-www.springboardtraining.com
Lisa Marie Platske-www.upsidethinking.com
Johanna Scheets-johannascheets.myarbonne.com
Stella Collington-eatpaylove.com
Cindy Cipriani-www.clearpathinstitute.com
Emily Morgan-meetemilymorgan.com
Amy Druding-www.permanentmakeupbyamy.net
Donna Andrews-donnaandrewsphotography.com
Shaun Stephenson-www.thecircleoften.ning.com/
Carol Plummer-http://www.ewomennetwork.com/chapterHomePage/chapterHomePage.php?code=montgomery
Anne Glenning (My Mom)-http://www.ameripriseadvisors.com/anne.d.glenning/profile/

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A bout of self doubt makes you pout!

Self-doubt is a tricky one, it pretends to be your friend at first. Beware! It creeps in slowly.  It started out telling me, "You have so much going on, with the kids, you just don't have time to write."  Sound innocent.  But then it leads to, you just don't have what it takes to manage it all...you just don't have what it takes.  I was having self-doubt rock my confidence.  I knew inside though, that this really wasn't real.  I waited it out.  I allowed the blah feelings to surface, on and off, for at least a week.  It was no fun at times, but I knew it was what was no longer served me, coming up to let it go.  You see, I have changed the way I think, but in the past, self-doubt was the voice I always heard in my head.  So I recognized it, trying to trick me with it's...what makes you so special?  What makes you think you can succeed?  How can you make your dreams come true?  Be realistic.  You can't have a toned body, you have four kids.  You are not smart enough.  All this stuff I use to believe about myself, secretly.  It was almost comical, to see the thoughts come up.  I was thinking, where in the hell did that come from?  And of course,with the Law of Attraction, because I was doubting myself, I would draw conversations, where I felt like I had to explain myself.  It was exhausting.  I wanted to call my Mom, sister, or friends to look for validation.  In the past, I would have asked for help, but then I would have not really gotten to the other side of this.  I share this with you, because I always learn so much from others' life experiences.

And WOW, do I love being back to me.  Where I can totally see this in Oprah's magazine, I could see myself being a featured columnist/blogger.  I dream big, I believe that anything is possible for me.  I believe in myself and that is really all that matters to me.  Others do not have to believe in me, understand me, validate me.  It is not their job.  And when I allow myself to be defined by others, when they like me, or agree with me, I am high up on the roller coaster.  When they don't agree, or like me, I am at the bottom.  That is a crazy way to live.  I do not choose that anymore.  What I learned from this latest lesson, is that when self-doubt tricks you, hold tight, it's okay.  You are not eternally flawed or broken.  Choose to just hold on and trust.

I had an "I Don't Knowism" sitch going on.  I had a case of "Little-old-me syndrome" and a bout of "Not Enoughness."  I felt like I was on the hamster wheel and my mind was racing.  With all this stirred up, I had to think about everything I believe, know, feel, have done.  It was a big letting go of energy and now there is a newness. Whew!  When you are aware and observe yourself and your thoughts, miracles can really happen.  You can always change how you think. But like what happened to me, hiccups along the way, help move you along.  When you are getting in shape physically, you don't expect to have six-pack abs in one day, so be easy on yourself.  You can consciously make changes on how you think, but subconsciously you have lots of crappy thinking from the past in there.  Good new is that repetition causes changes to the conscious, so keep going, affirmations, telling a new story of your life, positive thinking, appreciating your life, and feeling good.  You reprogram yourself, you work out the kinks, with your vibration on continual basis.  Law of attraction in action.  People may think it's easy for me, I make it look easy sometimes.  I was good at faking how I really felt and thought.  I was that happy face behind the pain type gal.  Now I am I the happy face behind the happy.  Just ask my kids.  I annoy the crap out of my teenage daughter, which I will admit is funny.  I choose happy.  I had enough of feeling bad, this is way more fun.  Being authentic and true to myself, I am sharing what a beautiful thing my hiccup was. 

I Don't Knowism:  I had this feeling that I could not shake.  It was self-doubt making me think that I didn't know anything.  That I didn't know how to do anything.  This can feel like you are lost.  You are not, you are on your path, and you get to choose your direction.  You are not struck, if you don't label it as that.  I momentarily thought that I had not made an progress in the past year, which I knew was not true.  It is not about the physical stuff, as much as the foundation, that I have built inside of me.  What I knew was I am happier than I was last year, clearer in my knowing, and more confident than ever.  I had already learned that when I confront old feelings, or insecurities, whatever the negative is...that I am so much freer and feel so much more expansive afterwards.  I don't avoid how I feel, or else I can't change it.  I just sat with the feeling and trusted my inner knowing.  It is okay to not have all the answers.  I did ask myself, "What do I know?"  "Who am I?"  "What do I want?"  I asked my higher self and waited for the wisdom and insight to come.  And now that I am back in the feeling good business, all the wisdom and insights came flooding to me.  Oh yeah!  I know I am a ROCKSTAR of my life!  I have all the knowing inside of me.  We all do.

Little-old-me syndrome:  Lil' old me is ordinary, mediocre, and the nothing is special about me, thinking.  Look at everyone else, they are amazing and me, not so much.  I felt like I was in competition with everyone.  I realized that when you are feeling the low vibe, you feel lack, and you are in competition, comparing yourself to others.  Self doubt was telling me that Little-old-me can't be a successful writer, get in better shape, give inspirational talks, keep making my Jennylicious happy raps, and achieve all that I dream and desire.  Well, watch me, self-doubt!  You do not have to believe in me, you never did. You were the one who egged me on in making bad choices in the past, making me believe that I was little-old-me.  But you know what, I am so glad you did, because it makes getting here, to this fabulous place, even more delicious.  I felt that fleeting temptation to go back to playing small, but self-doubt, I hate to tell you, the train has left the station.  I can't go back.  Thank God!  So when others did not think I was the greatest thing, since sliced bread, you would tell me "they are idiots, what do they know?"  But really, you loved it.  You loved me playing small, being little-old-me, where you could be in charge.  You can't trick me though, I am confident now, to the core.  When I was having a bout of self-doubt, I affirmed:  I am confident in all areas of my life.  Cause sometimes you gotta fake it, til you make it, til' you get over the hump.  And you will get there. 

Not Enoughness
:  This part is my least favorite and it's the biggie for me.  It stirs the pot the most, it's what led me to an eating disorder in my teens, to try to be thin enough.  It had worthiness and self-esteem issues coming up.  This turned out to be such a gem, of a lesson for me.  I was already feeling like I did not have the answers I thought I did, my whole energy internally was little-old-me, and not thinking I was good enough was so uncomfortable and foreign to me nowadays.  I refused to really, truly, believe this drama, but it was pretty wild.  I had this life review thing going on, thinking about the past, which really reminded me that I am a totally different person now.  Even in a bad moment, I don't hate myself.  Self-doubt told me that I sucked at parenting, cleaning, organizing, writing, being me, life, and whatever else it could bring up.  I tried to think why I was enough.  I decided that wasn't going to work at that moment.  I just had to say:  I am enough.  The fog was clearing and clarity was like a bright blue sky, after a storm.  The truth is none of it mattered whether I was good at anything, it is how I felt about myself.  And that determines everything for me.  It doesn't matter whether others think I am good enough at whatever, if I don't.  Also, if others don't think I am good enough, it doesn't matter either.  I run my own own show, it's about me living my life.  They can live theirs.  It's perfect.  And I know that I am more than good enough, I'm me.  And I am success at me.  Everything else, really is the icing on the cake.  So enough is enough, I love myself even more now.  I love being me.  And in me, being real, sharing what I learn, I am hoping others benefit too.  My wish is for all to feel as good as I do, confident and sure.  Always onward and upward.  Holla if you're with me.  Whoot!  Whoot!  ;)