Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Silly Pickle Dilly

This morning, I was getting stuff ready to make breakfast for my lil' guys.  I was talking to my hubby, who has been working CRAZY hours, so I feel like I haven't seen him in a week.  The fridge was open and my youngest, two year old Seamus, loves to grab anything he can, especially things on the shelves of the fridge door.  He twisted pickle jar lid off, spilling pickle juice everywhere.  I was so annoyed, all this frustration came out of nowhere and I started saying all this silly victim crap.  Stay at home mom, BS thinking, I was really good at, years ago.  Interesting reaction.  Kind of like, yelling over spilled pickle juice, is the new crying over spilled milk.  I let myself feel overwhelmed with trying to do EVERYTHING.  My mind was racing.  It's not even about getting everything done even, it's prioritizing what is important.  Everyday I have to feed the kids, do laundry, dishes, pick up from activities, etc. I don't have to clean up the toys clean every night, but I do because I like that way.  Not that I am neat freak,  I have no time to be a neat freak.  I try to fit in exercise at some point, most days.  I meditate when my youngest two are sleeping, except last night, I was too burnt out.  But I did get some writing done yesterday.  It is always my goal to exercise, write, and mediate, so days like that I love.  Because I follow the Law of Attraction and like to feel good, after two minutes, and I was clear and back to feeling grateful he has a job. 

I changed my focus, and thought about all of things, in this past week that I really appreciated.  Every time Seamus yelled out to Finnegan, pronouncing it as, "Cinnamon."  It never gets old.  And he says, "I lud de too," for I love you too.  The time I was in the car with my Mom, and she she thought the song, "G6," they were saying, "Like a cheesesteak, high like a cheesesteak."  Cheese stick sounds more like it though.  And how Seamus pronounces her name, Gibby, as Buddy.  The other day, Finnegan, who is five told me that Seamus's breath was chaotic.  He proceeded to tell me lots of things were chaotic that day, even a giraffe, that he once saw at the zoo.  I asked if he knew what it meant and he said no.  That I have two new TV shows that I love.  I love to watch TV, or read a book, at night after the kids are asleep.  It's my "me" time.  On Long Island Medium, the lady is adorable, and she's the real deal.  And the show, Smash, where the cast is amazing talented.  The one guy, who plays the director, is such a hottie too.  As I really thought about how much I love in life, I looked out the window to abundant sunshine, and saw a vibrant blue sky.  That is my natural state, happy.

Hours later, I was feeling that a friend of mine didn't think I was important.  Which really had nothing to do with her.  My feelings got hurt and I looked at the energy of it.  I did not want to be upset, peace is what I like to feel, with everyone.  WOW, lots of my fiery tiger feelings was coming up.  I knew there was a juicy piece for me to learn.  So I thought about all the friends that are important to me, even if I don't call them.  I haven't returned one of my best friend's phone calls from the other day, not because she is not important, but I am busy.  I released the feelings and underneath, I felt my truth.  How am I not making myself important?  Where am I not making myself important?  How am I not making what I say, do, or write important?  Times when I felt invisible came up.  Do I not value myself?  Hmm....I got the message from a energy worker that I needed to do this, making myself a priority.  I thought I was.  But I think the balance thing is so different for everyone. For instance, I have to clean up the toys every night, but don't mind if the laundry sits in a basket unfolded for a day.  I am not trying to be Super woman, but maybe I was, in some ways.  I was thinking, how can I make my writing more important.  It is easy to write when my hubby is off.  I know Danielle Steele, who has seven kids, wrote at night when her kids were little.  That is not going to work for me right now.  My brain doesn't work as well the, it requires meditation, TV, and a glass of wine.  I really was so glad these feelings came up.

I didn't need to figure out how I am going to put myself more on the radar.  Or how I am going to find more writing time?  It was about realizing that in some ways, that I did not value myself.  There is the part that doesn't really value what I write or say.  I thought about times, that as a stay at home mom, that I didn't feel valued or important for what I did too.  There is came again.  Mixed with "I am worthy" stuff.  What is my worth?  My sassy spiritual sexpot side decided to chime in saying, "I am a friggin' ROCKSTAR!"  Of course I am important, valueable, and worthy.  Look at me!  I am fabulous!  I am wise, fun, creative, talented, and radiate love.  I have so much to bring to this world, by shining my Light, who I really am.  So release those self-esteem issues and step further into yourself.  Don't worry about whether you are a good enough mother, writer, friend, wife, whatever!  DUH, you are!  Having awareness and releasing limiting beliefs frees you.  And soon, you will have someone clean your house, so you can have a clean house and write.  YES!  That will be awesome!  I love you! And you don't have to be super woman, but you can be Wonder Woman.  LOL!"  Yes, this was me talking to myself. Come on, we all do it. 

Always remember your value and how important you are.  Balance in your life is not the same for everyone.  You make it work for your life.  For me, I know that I have to write, it is in my soul.  If I didn't, I would not feel fulfilled.  And also, when emotions come up, look within and see what it is.  Then release it and move on to what you want.  Be easy on yourself.  It's OK to need more "me" time than someone else. Or not like to have as much on your plate as someone else.  We're all different.  Another thing, when you think you have already learned a lesson, and it rears its ugly head again, don't be hard on yourself.  It's like the peeling the layers of the onions.  It's all good.  Trust that.  Being a positive person doesn't mean you never have negative moment, it's that you choose to not stay there.  And ALWAYS Love yourself.  I share my feelings, being authentic and open, so maybe someone will get some insight into their own life or they will learn something.  Being yourself doesn't have to make you be vulnerable, it make make set you free.  Namaste, Lovies, Shanti, Blessings, & all yummy delicious stuff to all of you!  

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