"Oh, no she didn't!"

~We all have a story we tell about our lives and especially what is going on right now.  I decided to write this yesterday and I was feeling really good. Then I argued with my daughter and went into the drama with her.  I played victim, which I abhor.  In reality, we teach people how to treat us.  Anyway, I was focusing on what I did not want.  Duh...that's silly to stay there, you never find solutions there.  Today, I writing this and I am back to me.  The me I have made for myself is much more fun.  I chose to have a life that is happy, fun, meaningful, magical, enlightened and AWESOME...by creating the feeling of it, regardless of what is going on.  (This is most of the time-but come on, I'm human-I can still get mad for a moment, if I choose.) 

~You can lead a life of, "Oh, no she didn't"-where people are doing things to you constantly.  You can call it "Oh no she didn't" list or you can have a shit list.  My Dad would tell me that I was on his shit list, in my teens. LOL  It's a glass half empty list, the woe is me list, life sucks because list, I have every right to be unhappy list, and you would be half right to have these list.  Everyone can tell their life story through a negative lists like these.  You can list how people have done you wrong.  Your parents didn't love you enough, your lover left you, your kids don't listen to you, your coworkers don't respect you, your friend was mean to you-yes.  Life was bad to you because you didn't win the spelling bee in 3rd grade, you didn't get the job you wanted, you are fat, you don't have enough money, your house needs repairs, you couldn't have the life you wanted-yes.  You screwed up in college, you yell at your kids too much, you aren't good enough at this...this...and this, you did this wrong in whatever-yes.  You are totally free to keep a tally of all these things.   OR...you can think a different way.

~Thinking from a different perspective can happen without a tragedy for you to APPRECIATE what is good.  It doesn't mean that things can't be improved or you are settling.  With the energy that goes into a gratitude list will create more good things to be grateful for.  I like the word appreciation rather that gratitude because it feels better but- to each, his own.  I use to find all that was wrong and I shifted to trying to see the bright side.  I don't even feel the need to include certain things in my life story because there is no value to it.  You get to chose how you tell your story.  Right now, I rent my home.  I could feel bad that I don't own a home yet but that is pointless to me.  I have a happy list of life.  You could really split it up three ways if you want.  1.  Life has been good to me or life is good because...  2.  People have been good to me people are great be...  3.  I did this right or I totally rock because...  You will feel wonderful if you do this a strive to live from this place.  Even remembering how you felt on a vacation will make you feel fabulous and you can add that to your list.   

~There is a lot working in your life, if you are kind enough to yourself to look for it.  Loving yourself is not about your ego, it's about your spirit.  Being a spiritual person means being close to God, by feeling the Divine inside of you-accepting your worthiness of the love.  Beaming light and love from your being-into life means being JOYOUS!  This is what I want for my life and it makes me happy.  You can have whatever relationship you want with God.  It's so cool, we get to choose!  How other people see me, my life, or God is up to them.  I get to chose what I want for myself and how I get to feel about it.  No one can make you feel anything you don't want to.  Yay!  We have the power.  

~Luckily I have figured to become more authentic everyday in how I live.  I use to have a really hard time being myself-I was so concerned with what others thought.  What I know for sure now is that I know what is right for me and being positive is my thing.  I am writing my life the way I want.  Yes, things have gone wrong, I have made mistakes, but who cares?  Life starts over everyday.  And you can think differently by leaning into where you want to be.  Every day, you can get happier-starting thought by thought.  I think happy thoughts as much as possible.  I see my life as quite magical.  In making mistakes in my life, it led me to know myself better and really appreciate the things that I value.  I have amazing parents, wonderful husband, beautiful kids, and incredible friends.  I have had super cool vacations, I have a rockin' navy minivan, and I always have money to feed my kids, a great house to live in, and fantastic stuff in it to boot.  I also decided I was writing a book without any writing background whatsoever and you get to choose where you steer your life.  My absolute wish for all of you is for you to get out of life what you want.  Start seeing glass half full, life is good, tell your good-life story, and see things change.  Above all-Follow your bliss!  xoxo    

Fast track to know yourself is to have a kid ;p

The most sure fire way to figure out who you are is to have a child.  There are many ways to discover who you are. You can learn from any relationship really...cause it brings up your stuff.  You learn when you teach, always.  When you have kids, it shakes up everything in a good way.  You have this baby and you realize what is most important to you has changed.  You look at the world with different eyes and your own parents-way differently.  You cherish this new being and the idea of family shifts and all of sudden you are the one organizing family get-togethers instead of trying to get out of them. It isn't just about you anymore and you put the focus into this Babyworld.  Simultaneously, you join Mommyworld, which even though there are many maps, you have to navigate it yourself.  In this new land, there are rules to follow...so you think...organic or not, schedules, breastfed or not, etc.  Guess what, half the time, it doesn't matter.  It's about being happy and confident in what you decide.  If someone gets mad or adamant about how to do things, it's about them.  I have had four kids and done things different each time but really I decided what worked for me.  Lesson there is: listen to your instincts, your intuition, your own voice.

Your little cherub starts growing and you see so does your love, each day making your heart's capacity for love-way more than you thought humanly possible.  Then they start doing things, which is so cute, leading every day towards toddlerhood.  You think you are laid back and there comes toddler defiance and huge messes.  What happened to my angel face little child?  The best is when they do this in the store, people watch it like it's a televised sport.  I found that this stage I was so alarmed with my anger inside, shattering my idea that I had to be like the Blessed Mother all the time. It is normal but I had some expectations for myself and if I yelled, I'd beat myself up.  I am still not a Zen Buddha master but I choose know to shift my attitude whenever I can. It was too tiring feeling like I was slaying dragons all the time.  I would want to control the situation (screaming tantrum-throwing child), I would get mad but that didn't help.  I would get embarrassed in public, which didn't help, I would threaten which still sometimes works.  I have to set boundaries somehow.  The sanest way to deal with this is no matter what, draw your energy way from the conflict, surrender, let go and let God (it's all the same). The lovely thing kids will teach you is that when it's over- they move on and don't beat themselves up for what happened an hour ago.  They say, "I love you," and your heart swells with unconditional love again.  At this stage, you realize you forgot about yourself and need to make yourself a priority again. 

As they grow, they start asking questions and you have to start telling them about your whole perspective on life.  Sometimes you tell them something and as the world come out of your mouth, you realize you don't even believe them.   You say the world is a dangerous place but people are nice.  Weird?  "Believe in yourself" and then you think...WOW...I don't really believe in myself.  "You have to forgive others because you want them to forgive you."  Hmm...who have I not forgiven, I'll send them Love & Light.  "No one can make you happy and it is not my job to make you happy" (with candy, soda, getting your way) and ding, ding, ding-I am responsible for my OWN happiness.  "We are so lucky, kids and should be so grateful for what I have."  Am I grateful or complaining?  Do we practice what we preach.  It's so funny what hypocrites we can be.  It is wonderful where we can see where we can make adjustments to our lives, no stress, it's about personal growth.  What about God?  Teaching them that to believe, honor, love God...is to believe, honor, and love yourself.  You are a Divine creation, act like it.  Ultimately, no one can really tell you what to think or believe, and would you really want a robot for a child?  At this point, they can start getting fresh or flip with their mouth but in the next minute-they say something really heartwarming and profound, you are so proud of who your child is becoming.  Lesson here:  Balance is the key to life and you keep learning every day. 

Heading into the teens, everything you learned is out the window except love and respect.  This means letting them be individuals while setting boundaries.  As each new situation, that you have never deal with before comes up, you deal with it as it comes.  Remember all the mistakes you made and you turned out normal, well normal is boring anyway.  You pulled away from your parents, it's not personal, even if it hurts.  You gotta let them become their own person.  Let them find their talents and natural abilities because you not only want successful kids but HAPPY kids. You also realized, a long time ago, not to make too many statement like: "I would never let my child, that kid is bad, that Mom is doing is wrong."  When you see yourself making too many judgments, look within and you'll see you make a lot of them in response to yourself.  If you really love and accept yourself, you find less need to worry about what others are doing.  I am infamous for saying, "I want don't want to argue" and I just keep arguing.  If you want to have peace in your house, be the example.  It's kind of freeing to not have to be right all the time.  Because it's not about winning, who is smarter, better...run your own race-aim for your own personal best.   In all relationships, it's best to take the high road, it's got a beautiful view.  All parents do it differently, you pave your own way each time, just like in the rest of your life. Tend to your own garden and watch your flowers grow.

I know each day, I get wiser on the parenting journey and am so glad I am learning through my kids about myself.  You can't hold onto the past, when they were younger, you have to look for the joy in watching them bloom.  Have as much fun as you can.  Kids are messy but they are worth it.  They'll show you how to look at the world with wonder and to P-L-A-Y!  Look and see, there are lessons everyday, everywhere, to help you find yourself.  Self discovery bring peace, love, joy, among many other things, definitely don't take it too seriously.  Relax. Send you all Love & Light, wishing you an easy, fulfilling, wonderful journey!  :)

The Haze Maze

WOW, do I feel good!  After having a sinus infection where my ears, throat, and head felt awful-I feel the haze is gone and I am even clearer.  It was a weird process where I resisted feeling bad, feeling foggy in my brain and like I had zero energy except to heal-to then waking up to life again.  I had to piece everything back together and figure out if my life needed any adjustments.  Yes, I have to do the laundry, feed the kids, and all that but is my schedule flowing well towards what I want or do I need to make changes.  It gave me perspective to know how I want to feel and even reminded me how much I want to achieve goals and make all my dreams come true.  I actually learned a lot.  After I got out of the maze I was in for a few days. 

The introspective thoughts were fleeting because I was in a haze and while I was feeling self-pity and lousy, whatever I thought about seemed dim.  It was the Law of Attraction at work.  If I was focused on things that were wrong, I found more things and blocks to clear in my path.  I just must have needed a mini-pity party.  My pity party was drinking tea and reading a book, nothing big, because I know I have so many wonderful things to be grateful for in my life.  I use to throw pity parties for myself all the time, dreading going to grocery store, worrying about money, or bitching about belly fat. I wonder if you really did throw an official pity party-if you should wear drab clothes, serve crappy food, and listen to sad love songs.  Hehe-funny picture to me!  I would rsvp NO to that one. 

Even though I didn't feel good, I was grateful for having the doctor get me right in, that I have insurance, prescription plan, and I love living from a place of gratitiude for what I DO have, which compared to the rest of the world is pretty darn fabulous.  I kept working on feeling better on all levels and knew-this too shall pass-and I'd go back to how awesome I usually feel most of the time.  I needed to rest my mind and my body, although I read a great book, which made me forget I was sick for a while.  It also confirmed how much I love to write, read, words, and characters, going to different worlds that books can take you to.  I want my book to take people somewhere, make them meet cool people, make them feel things and have them get something out of it.  I most of all want people top feel good which is my mission in life.  And no...not because I'm a reformed people-pleaser.  Because I like to feel good, that's why!

Singing loud in the car, even when my throat hurt, was helpful to my spirit...and getting back to the higher vibration I like to be at.  I happen to hear a song on the radio that brought me back to when I was younger, it's crazy how you can jump back in time and you feel the emotions all over again.  Well, the same can be for the future.  You could play a song and really think about great things happening that you want and every time you listen to it-feel good.  It's not the song, it's the energy attached to it-how it makes you feel.  If you want to feel good, do things that make you feel good, talk about things that make you feel good, watch things that make you feel good, listen to things that make you feel good, eat things that make you feel good-live from that place.  If you can come from the place of feeling good most of the time, being grateful for something we take for granted every day-our health, then everything improves.  External things don't have to change to make us happy, it's from the inside out. 

Life can feel like a haze maze sometimes.  Not like a real maze-which I am not fond of-I'm not the one to follow in one of them.  You'll never get out.  :)  Often at some point in our life, we ask what am I doing, what direction should I go in, we are always making or going through changes in life.  If we can focus on the good-feeling stuff or what good things we do have...life become clearer and you see it's not really a maze.  When we are looking at our problems, the maze is all in your head and really opening is right there if we can readjust our vision.  Whatever you focus on you create more of.  Make a list of things you are grateful for everyday and you will see that how you "see" things will be different.  

I am grateful for all of you that are taking the time to read this.
Enjoy life!
Love & Light to all!  xoxo 

The "Validators"- a new kind of superhero!

I use to live in such a state of self-doubt, it's amazing that I could function.  I needed validation to quiet my inner demons.  Not really demons-that would be creepy.  I always doubted whether I was good enough, in some way or doing a good job,and that I was OK.  I would ask my husband, sister, mother, or friends if I looked okay, am I too fat, a good mom, good person-whatever the flavor of the month that I was obsessing about then.  I was always keeping score with myself-good diet day/bad mom day, good friend/bad writer, fat day/but I cleaned day.  I really liked to punish myself on that roller coaster.  The process of writing my novel became yet another place of needing validation.  FYI-It is coming along, getting better as time goes on, and I edit more.  But wherever I turned, I would find more places to doubt myself and my worthiness.  Looking outside myself for validation, comparing myself to other, and people pleasing-in hopes that I would feel good.  If people liked me-that meant something right?  Ugh...I use to drive my mother crazy with that one.  I gave all my power away without meaning to.

 I knew deep down that I had the power within me. Where my soul was-the answers were.  I had read a million books but never really integrated it. The journey has different roads for many and different books but it all leads to the same place.  Some people consult with their angels, guides, their soul, or God-it really doesn't matter.  For me, I liken it to my inner superhero.  Being the goofball I am, one day my sister and I had decided if we were superheros, we would need a cool cape and a theme song.  I say this like we were kids, no really-we were grown-ups.  Well, we pretend to be grown-ups but that's a whole other subject.  I realize my superhero is the"Validator" within, I was always looking for.  We never have to look outside of ourselves, when in doubt, get quiet.  The "Validator" can really be called whatever you want, she/he can have your initial on their chest.  

My "Validator" will keep the "V" for good vibrations, "vive" (live), victory, voluptuous, violet, vivacious-and all those good v words!  She will have a cape that changes with my every whim, yesterday was aqua, today it's leopard with hot pink trim, tomorrow it might be red or just totally sparkly.  My theme song can change-yesterday it was "Don't stop believin" and today it's "Bootylicious", tomorrow it will be probably be "Fireworks" by Katy Perry.  V loves that song!  Her fuel is chocolate and she has no weakness, except if you consider that she has a soft spot in her heart for babies.  She has a kindest voice with Jersey/Philly accent and she is wise beyond measure.  Whenever I have worries, doubts, fears, or any need where I need validation-she is there to tell me it's OK.  You see-she's really me-the way God intended me to be.  We all have the awesome being we were meant to be-inside-past all the drama and hurts, our stories of the past are just that-past.  The past is gone.  If you live in the moment-in today-change what you can and ask your superhero for help.  I like to be silly and keep things fun but I strive really hard and take my life very seriously.  My goal is to be authentic in every moment, letting the real me-shine bright every day and I wish that for everyone.  If someone doesn't like it or appreciate it-that's OK-V will tell me how AWESOME I am. 

It's not living with a big ego, like people think when you would boast about yourself.  It's living from your spirit-your Higher self.  We should honor the good in ourselves, the way we honor the good in others.  Ask your "V" to help you make a list of how awesome you are, so when you feel down-you can remind yourself.  You will see more good in others, by way of the law of attraction, when you look for the good in you.  Some people, like my husband, came to the Earth- born confident.  He is confident in the perfect, balanced, centered way-knowing that he is awesome.  Whatever way you do it, I hope you all realize how awesome YOU are.  Have fun with life, surround yourself with the people that are positive, and SHINE the Light of who you are-it helps everyone.  xoxo

May the force be with you, sparkles included.  ~V

Mr. & Mrs. Should

My whole life, I "should" myself on a regular basis.  Finding new and interesting ways to beat myself up but playing the should game.  Well, that era is over.  I made a list of my shoulds, which I didn't realize I still had a pretty long list which constantly contradicted itself.  I should be a better wife, mother, daughter.  I should write more, be more spiritual, exercise more, and often course have more balance.  I actually forgot tons of them like I should know better or have all the answers.  What this does is only cause disconnection from my soul.  The only thing I know that is true is that I SHOULD be myself. 

I picture the shoulds as Mr. & Mrs. Should as the perfect people.  They are even better than the Joneses', you have to keep up with the Joneses' but the Shoulds not only have the stuff but they do everything right also.  They play every sport, do every activity, do yoga, volunteer for everything (I don't think they sleep), read everything, know everything, and they never worry.  Their kids get perfect grades, manners, and trophies fill their rooms.  Mr. Should is the a sports coach, church leader, and businessman who never gets mad.  He is handsome, of course.  Mrs. Should is thin, pretty, nice and her house is completely organized.  All of her kid's picture are scrapbooked perfectly.  She has a successful business, cooks like a chef, and has written a book on how to be a vixen in the bedroom.  They have game nights at their house, they are very funny, and build houses for the the homeless.  They grow their own stinking vegetables and they sing songs in perfect pitch while they garden.  Funny thing is...we all know people that are a tiny bit like this.  They are just part of the diversity in the world, making it more interesting.   

Everyone is so different and we can never compare ourselves or our personal journeys to one another.  This is so diempowering, it's like making a little prison inside of ourselves.  In reality, you are free to think whatever you want.  Thinking about what you should do, in normal circumstances-is fine, it's when it makes you feel bad.  There are so many things we do right that we never give ourselves credit for. You can take responsibility for your own happiness by making changes internally first before you make changes on the outside.  I love to hear people tips along the way.  I suggest you make a should list if you feel overwhelmed in any way.  

Making a should list is so freeing, like a weight lifting off my shoulders.  I burned the paper as a ritual to release the old energy.  You can rip it up into tiny pieces or whatever you like, but never read it agin.  It's useless.  Every should can be turned into a could.  I could...be happy, be myself, let my light shine.

  Free yourself to BE yourself, your authentically true self.  Wishing you all the best!!! 

   

Merging polarity

I use to be scared of my own shadow, literally and figuratively, because we all have a  shadow side.  I was scared of being judged, being safe, not being loved and accepted-all this fear junk.  I acted out of this place, living with my heart wounded and closed, at times, but I created it.  My past feels like another life now, when I was younger and struggled in my life.  In my adulthood though, not many could see this, I was good at putting on a show.  I don't dwell on this, so I see it all as part of my journey to this beautiful place.  Up until recently, I would in theory, believe, we are all one-we are all part of Source.  In reality, I was afraid of others, of my so called "darker" or "lower" parts of me.  The duality, of being on a diet or not, fat or thin, rich or poor, smart or dumb, on track or off, spiritual or unaware, good or bad...it's all there.

Along my journey to finding myself, I am striving to live authentically, walking my talk, as much as I can.  If I slip up-I forgive myself and move on.  I am human, after all.  I am setting intentions and creating my experience- right, so what do I want to feel- peace, love, and joy inside.  Anything that is a match to that, I will attract to me.  I let go of the worry that I will attract the "bad" or "evil" into my experience.  I believe I am always protected but don't need protection because we are all one-I send love out into humanity, the Earth, Universe, all that is.  I share what I feel, so that someone may learn or get some piece for it for them.  Opening our hearts to share what we have learned, from a heart centered place, is one of  gifts to share with humanity.  We are all teachers and all students.   I learn everyday from someone, whether they realize it or not.

We all have something, annoying or considered negative, like you are quiet and someone doesn't like that.  We are all so different, we are all perfect though.  As an observer, we see that when people do the things that do annoy u, there is something for us to learn.  If we are conscious of our lives, we see so much more.   I usually try to see, if someone does or says something I don't like-if I have done that before to someone.  Working in our growth can see tough but when we see improvement, ahh...it feel good.  It doesn't have to be difficult, if we choose to grow with ease.  My intention is for the Universe to show me what I need to hear, see, know, integrate, process with ease.   Sometimes, our lessons will show up from a story we hear in the news, of all places.

I found the irony and duality of it all, mirrored to me yesterday.  There was a homeless man on TV, who was discovered for have a golden voice yesterday.  Later on the internet, it was posted he had a checkered past, who doesn't-lol, and then the posted his prior mugshots from drugs and so forth.  So now, he'll be famous for his voice.  I thought about all the people who have become famous from their voice, singers and rockstars, who had turned to drugs and alcohol.  People still think the homeless man is lower than the Whitney Houston's of the world, class and worth-wise.  We are all the judgment, the bad choices, the famous, the homeless, I accept this for myself.  I cannot be in the fear of people I deem to be lower and still be vibrating love.  I can accept that it just...is.  I see the good in the world and others and send love to all.  I open my heart wide and trust the Universe and trust that all is how it should be.

I am merging-the me(my persona) I know, the observer, my higher self, and the I AM presence(God).  This is my vision that I am stepping into, I wish all of you to see your vision clear and that you can walk the path of love-letting your vision become your reality.  :)

LOVE

There's nothing like falling in love.  Remember back when you were seventeen, carefree, and your romances were EPIC!   Butterflies in your stomach just thinking about someone you liked.  Experiences were in technicolor and felt monumentous.  Or maybe it was when you were twenty two, but either way, it was magical.  Just driving around was an adventure and going to a party felt like the event of the century.  You were in love with life.  Time stood still and everything in the world felt right.  All your cares fade away and in one moment, a whole lifetime was filled.

For me, having a baby is like falling in love, experiencing love that is indescribable.  You understand what love means, what life means, it all shifts.  It's overwhelming to realize you have opened yourself up so much, you are vulnerable to being hurt deeply...but you can't help yourself.  You watch your baby grow up and they don't love you less, they just need you less.   They move out.  I cannot imagine this part-but I'll be wiser when it happens-to deal with it.)  You can see it as just change, not a loss of what was, but rather a new relationship with the same person who use to need you and thought you were the center of the Universe.  When the kids grow up, you are left with you. Your realize your life was always about you, all along. The journey was about falling in love...with yourself. 


You see, we fall in love, eventually the other person gets busy doing something and life happens, we cannot hold the stars in our eyes for someone forever.  This is OK.  Life makes us forget to live in the moment.  We were never meant to only feel good about ourselves through someone else's eyes.  It is really our connection to our soul and God that really nourishes us, without that we can never really love another.  When our hearts get broken, we wish we never loved in the first place.  The truth is everyone who has ever been in your life was a piece to your puzzle or they never would have been there in the first place.  People show us who we are through them.  People are our mirrors.  We learn through everyone, we learn about ourselves.  Relationships make us grow, every single one can bring you feelings of joy, love, fun and anger, sadness, disappointment. 


 We may find through on our love journey, that we avoided certain aspects of ourselves that we didn't like.  No one likes to feel uncomfortable so we distract ourselves by blaming others, judgments, and even not being present.  Beating yourself up doesn't work, you force yourself to change but it doesn't last.  In actuality, embracing ALL of who we are is the key to falling in love with ourselves and life for that matter.  The high that we felt from falling in love and being young and carefree may be gone but you can live in the NOW again.  You can fall in love again...with life...with yourself.  When you can observe your life, you can find that what you want to feel and you can change things.  

Being young and in love, was about feeling enthusiasm and freedom.  You had a zest for new experiences, no fear, you didn't care what people thought. You felt entitled to enjoy the richness of life.  Pleasure wasn't a bad thing!  Joy and passion ruled the day! Back to reality of today-you can fall in love with a new person every month or  living on the edge, jumping out of airplanes-totally in the NOW.  You don't even have to change jobs, partners, or where you live-you can change your thoughts.  Perception is everything, decide how you want to live.  You can genuinely be present in your everyday experiences, choosing to live an extraordinary life each day. 

It's nearing sunset, you're driving along in your car listening to music and you can:
A. Think about what someone said that pissed you off...People are always mean things to me. (victim mode)
B.  What you have to do...I never have enough time.(victim mode)
C. Look at the sky, feel the music, appreciate life-in-that-very-moment, energized and relaxed...I am grateful for so many things. (Joyful perception)*Like attracts like, so whatever you are thinking about or focusing on-you attract the same.

 If you think you can't be positive or think optimistically, well you already decided you can't, but everyone can change their mind.  Change your thoughts, change your perception, change your life-you can love your life.  It always comes back to love.  Surround yourself with what you love, find more things to love, and see love all around.  I love the ocean, I see the vast, infinite, beauty connecting me with everything in the Universe.  I cherish every moment there and that's why I live by the sea.  I love watching sunsets over the bay, in those timeless moments-I feel free and young and blessed.  I will never get sick of seeing the sunset, every day, I marvel at it.  I am a lover of life.    To fall in love and experience love, you must love.  Fall in love every day with something or back in love-remember how much you use to love something and think back to it it, appreciate it again.  Love, love, love lots and you will see...you are in love, with yourself, life and LOVE.  Love is all there is.